My best friend (and decorator) David was flying home from vacation on Saturday and was bored on the flight. To pass time, he wrote a list of the top 25 items he would never wear. First of all, we do really sit and talk about these things. Secondly, I immediately knew I had to do my own list.

I present here, my list of 25 items I would never wear. Ok, it's 26 items but who's counting. It's a bit tongue in cheek, but it's also stuff people do wear that I choose not to wear. It was surprisingly easy to come up with this list and in fact, at one point I thought maybe I should just list those items I WOULD wear. As a final note, I’d be curious to find out what my darling readers would not be caught dead wearing so feel free to comment on your own fashion rules!

1. Christmas/holiday sweaters. I’m sorry mom.
2. Sweatshirts. Not a one. Ever. Make a little effort at least.
3. Team logo items. The only women who should be wearing team logo items are the player’s wives and even they probably do it begrudgingly and with some bling.
4. Ugly, bulky, clunky shoes. Simply put - life is too short to wear ugly shoes.
5. Nail art. If God had meant for me to have a palm tree on my finger nails…..
6. Shimmery pink lip stick. I don’t live in Rockaway.
7. Spray on tan. If I can't tan in the sun and I’m certainly not going to tan in a strip mall.
8. Any clothing item you can buy from the back pages of Parade magazine. These are items best left to my mother’s Aunt Bea.
9. Crocs. Do I live in Iowa? I didn’t think so.
10. String Bikini. I’m too big and I’d at least need a rope bikini. And even then I wouldn’t get a real tan; probably just a rope burn.
11. Tube top. Even when I was young and nubile, this would not have been good.
12. Banana hair clip. Easy. No hair to clip!
13. Any clothing item with a Disney or other “cute” character. My 44 year old sister wears a Tigger jersey that is 10 years old, which is ironically the age limit at which you should be wearing a character of any kind on your clothes.
14. Sprong shoes. It could at least look like a pump and feel like a sneaker..but nooooo.
15. Sweater with a dickey. Classic scene: Randy Quaid. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Hilarious. Enough said.
16. Pin on my jacket or purse with photo of hockey playing child. Who am I, Sarah Palin? This is the look to nowhere.
17. Dockers. I am not a 45 year old suburban man who drives a pick up truck and plays softball with his buddies every weekend.
18. Pleated pants. I have my own belly thank you.
19. Suspenders. Mork from Ork did this look best. Do you really want that as your fashion inspiration?
20. Jeans with rhinestones on the pockets. Hello Jessica Simpson. Goodbye Jessica Simpson.
21. Anything you purchase while on a Caribbean cruise. Specifically, anything you may purchase through your taxi window while on a winding mountain road on the island of St. Lucia on your way to see a stinky volcano.
22. Matching skirt and blouse “set.” Geranimals for adults.
23. Overalls. Not unless I’m cast in a production of “Godspell.”
24. Tie dyed anything. I shop in a local co-op where tie dye is the norm and what I believe is the look that time forgot.
25. Leotards. Being the trendsetter she is, Madonna has taken to wearing leotards as her entire outfit. I don’t like this because frankly, I’m over seeing Madonna half-dressed. We get it…you work out. Now can we move on?
26. Caterpillar scarf. This will have to wait until I join the Red Hat Society.