The Menopause Gods Have Spoken

I have wrinkles around my eyes. Crêpey sort of squidgy wrinkles. And also near my mouth. I think those are called laugh line and baby, I laugh A LOT!

My face is changing. Hell, my entire body has changed drastically over the past two years. I was coasting through my 30’s and roared into my 40’s thinking “this is a breeze.” I was slipping through the fingers of the menopause Gods (I’m sure there is more than one) before they finally realized they were missing me. “Where is her irregular cycle?” the Gods wondered. “How about some wrinkles? And throw in really really sore knees too.” said one.

The meanest menopause God of them all said “Maybe she should lose some hair.”

I have to face the facts that among other things, I am a pre-menopausal woman and that means changes physically. The one thing I have not had is a hot flash. My friend Tami has started having them. She wakes up drenched in the middle of the night and shakes awake her husband to ask if he’s hot. He never is of course. That’s the ease of being a man; you never need to ask for directions and you’ll never have a hot flash.


But everything else is out of whack. It snuck up on me and that’s what bothers me more than anything. For example, it used to be that I could walk pain-free. I know..I know…a lot of people have very serious reasons for being in pain. I would like to say that my arthritic knees are a very serious reason for pain. And I have the pain. Not all the time though. Some weeks I feel like I could dance up and down the stairs while carrying my laundry basket or a small car. And then the next week inexplicably, I’m hobbling up and down the stairs wishing I had a cane. Well, actually, I do have a cane. I never use it. That’s pure vanity and I make no apologies. I’m going to New York City in two days and my travelling partner, GGF, suggested I bring the cane. I think he was serious too, but as I told him, it would totally ruin my look.

Maybe that’s one way in which I am not that mature yet. I still talk about my look. In high school, my look was everything. It’s how I projected myself to the world; it’s who I was. In high school, I morphed from a kilt wearing, monogrammed sweater coveting prepster, to an early-80’s Molly Ringwald with hair that was much longer on one side than the other, while I wore neon green anklets with herringbone checked flats that I adored. In high school, I tie dyed my peach silk taffeta prom skirt and chopping it above the knees. I have no memory of actually wearing this concoction, but my mother would have been appalled and for that reason alone I’m quite sure I must’ve worn it at least once. Probably to a family event of some sort where there would have been grandparent shock to augment the parental shock.

The thing is, this dynamic doesn’t really change as you get older. Instead of impressing my high school friends with a kicky sense of style and rebellion, now it’s my co-workers. Or a possible boyfriend, and let’s face it, boyfriend material is basically just looking for cleavage no matter the age. Men don’t care that you are wearing a $1,000 Marina Rinaldi jacket that fits you like it was cut on you and that only cost $41 massively on sale at the Saks outlet. Is there cleavage? No? Not interested.

Actually, I should clarify. GGF cares about the Marina Rinaldi jacket, but he’s a rare BFF who also serves as stylist and interior decorator, along with therapist, gay mother, gay husband and a whole host of other roles. We leave for NYC on Thursday morning and Sunday he came over and sat in the chair in my boudoir while we paraded through my clothing choices for the trip. How many boyfriends or husbands would do that?

Speaking of NYC, I will be posting about it and taking lots of pictures! I can’t wait to see the fashions and style on the streets. I can’t wait to hit the galleries, theatres and restaurants..oh my!

Anyhew, I think who we really want to impress are other women, I’d like to say I’m a better person than that, but I have to face facts. I had drinks with some former co-workers last night and one of them is the cutest little blond. She could make a tar paper suit look like a stunning piece of haute couture. She was wearing slim jeans, ballet flats, a cute white top with longer cardigan. She was gamine and adorable. Aside from the fact that I’m twice her size (seriously…you could fit two of her into my body, which is creepy but true) just sitting next to her brought up all of my insecurities. I ran through my esteem checklist in my mind. My hair looks really good tonight - check. I’m wearing Prada glasses and Cole-Haan shoes. Check, check. (Frankly, the Prada glasses should be worth five checks alone.) But none of it added up last night in the presence of someone I deemed as just really pulling it all. And effortlessly at that. I am ashamed to admit that I felt more than a little dumpy and unattractive sitting next to her. And that, my friends, is not a place I want to go. I try to be more self-aware than that. I’m ok just the way I am. I accept who I am and what my body is. I love what I wear and I feel good in my clothes. When I walked out the door yesterday morning, I was feeling pretty sassy. Why did I give up the power of that when sitting next to a woman I deemed as appearing “better?”

My question is, do we all do this? Do you do this? Do you think Courtney Cox ever feels inferior sitting next to Jennifer Aniston? Or vice versa? Is Sandra Bullock ever on the red carpet and suddenly she sees Jennifer Lopez and immediately hates her own dress? Or hair? Or everything?

I hope..I pray…that this happens because it says that at the core, we are all just mere mortals engaged in a battle with our self-images and that knowing this alone can make it better. It takes away some of the power when we can sit back and say “you know what? Right now I’m feeling a little vulnerable. Why is that? What can I do to bring myself back to how fabulous I really am?” We know that some days are easier than others but let’s just try to be kind to ourselves, even if others are not. Let’s treat ourselves with dignity and respect and love every inch of us. And besides, it helps to remember that there are only like, five super models in the entire world, and millions of men. The odds are totally stacked in my favor.

Random Thoughts on my 46th Birthday

A cashier I had at Target recently was talking about his mother and how she didn’t understand him. He said “It’s just so hard sometimes in your 20’s.” and then looked at me and said “I imagine it’s the same in your 50’s.” I replied I wouldn’t know as I was only in my 40’s! I think when you’re young, older people just blend into one age and that tends to just be “over 50.” I don’t think I look like I am older than I am. If anything, I am growing into my age. I’ve always looked older. I have been mistaken for GGF’s mother on more than one occasion and he’s older than I am! When you are large, I think it compounds it because you can run the risk of appearing “matronly” something I fight against daily.

My grandmother on my dad’s side of the family died at an age that was younger that my mother is right now and yet, she always looked much older than my mother has ever looked. It was a different time (she passed away in the mid-70's) and she totally looked like the stereotypical grandmother; welcoming bosomy, gray hair, always in a dress with a brooch and always wearing an apron. Alice Maruska was known for her baking more than anything but I also have a very clear memory of her loud laughter. I have inherited that from her (and all of the Maruska women – my lovely aunts). I hope to be an old woman who laughs a lot!

One of my friends is a 31 year old man and as of yesterday he is 15 years younger than me. He made the comment recently to the effect of “I don’t hang around with many 45 year olds!” and I asked if that bothered him to hang around with an “older woman.” He said no, it did not. But I am more aware of my age than I used to be. And not in a bad way. Age is what it is and I have no control over when I was brought into this world. It’s a number. Blah blah blah. I’m pre-menopausal (but have not yet had a hot flash) and have been recently been told by my doctor that it would be a minor miracle if I were to conceive a baby due to a particular hormone level in my body. It’s all very curious to me I guess.

I am going to NYC in two weeks (cannot wait) and am anxious to see the fashion on the streets. I was just in the NY Times on-line and there is a shirt waist dress trend this summer in NYC and now I’m obsessed with having a shirtwaist dress. I remember the beautiful blue pima cotton shirtwaist by Herve Bernard that I had in my mid-20’s. I worked at Dayton’s (in the Club House department. Not quite the Oval Room, but close enough!) and I wore it until it was threadbare. Proof that the classics always circle around again. And reminder that I am now old enough to get to experience this in person.

I’m aware that the 80’s are as present in my mind as the 50’s were to my parents in the 70’s.

The older I get, the more important appearance has become to me. I’ve always been into clothes and “my look” but at the age of 46, I feel it acutely as I am aware of dressing appropriately for my age, yet in a way that is trend forward and fresh. Do I always accomplish this? No, but I try. I have a very dear friend and she’s funny and charming and generous and talented, but she dresses a bit matronly. She is ten years older than I am and she’s a beautiful woman; I just wish she would grab for some more gusto in her wardrobe so that what she projected in her wardrobe reflected who she truly is. We were shopping for her recently and I commented that the shoes she kept picking out were grandma shoes. We had a good laugh, and then she bought two pair she probably would not have purchased unless I had been along. She was stuck where so many of us get stuck – in the same old, comfortable place. She got out of her comfort zone a bit and ended up with some great sandals that she has been living in this summer and that give her a bit if zip that her other shoes don’t. We should all break out of our comfort zones. That said, I pledge to stop purchasing black trousers as I already have a closet full of them!

I remember when my mom was 46 and I thought she was sooooo very old. Now that I’m here, it’s not what I would have imagined. I feel like I did when I was 25 – only better I think. Is life perfect? Absolutely not. But it’s life and that’s good enough sometimes.

B&Lu Rocks Again

I love B&Lu. Besides the fact that they are located right here in my own fair city (well..I'm in Minneapolis and they are in St. Paul. Close enough!) so when I order from their site, I receive my items right away, but they feature affordable, fashionable, and just-enough-on-trend pieces to appeal to wide range of women who want to be comfortable but also have a bit of an edge to their looks. If you have not yet gone onto their website to peruse pieces, please do so immediately (link is in my favorites.) Special incentive - they have a "20% off your entire order" promo right now! It's the perfect time to stock up on some fun new key pieces that could start to transition you to fall. Seriously. It's August already you guys.

The Noelle Top is a cute knit with great embellishment around the neck. I'll wear this with jeans and flats and since it's already got such great detail on the neck, I'll skip the necklace and stack up some bangles for an easy look.

The Chollo dress is pictured in "paprika" which is one of my favorite colors to wear, but it also comes in black, I am going to wear this dress when I head off to NYC at the end of the month. It's perfect for a theatre night or just going out to dinner.

I know I constantly talk about shopping in season but I am getting really anxious for fall and what is to come! And I'm really looking forward to going to NYC at the end of this month to scope out the stores (Lee Lee's Valise here I come!) and the trends in person. I'm hoping for some high-fashion and some high shopping!

If you ARE still looking for true summer deals - the Liz Claiborne website has some good ones on some great pieces, including this ikat column dress that I am totally lusting after. I love that the waist has some detail and shape and think it would be adorable with a big black belt - or not! At the time of this post, it is a steal at only $54.99! Of note - I am going to wear this in all of my sleeveless glory...fat upper arms be damned! My arms may not look like Michelle's Obama's, but they are still my arms and they are ok just as they are! When did chiseled become better than soft? Besides, the black cardigan tossed over the sleeveless dress look is getting old for me. I may add a wrap to ward of air conditioning chill but otherwise, I'm wearing this dress as pictured! Thanks for reading everyone!

When the Shoe Fits......

Once in awhile, the shoe gods smile down upon you. Once in awhile, if you're really lucky, the shoe angels sing. And once in a very great while, if you've been a vvveeerrrryyyyyy good girl, you can actually find a pot of gold at the end of the shoe rainbow because there is a computer glitch at a major department store and you get $600 worth of shoes for only $65.

Yes, I died and went to shoe heaven yesterday and it was all because someone made a computer mistake and the high-end designer shoes that were already on clearance at said major department store were ringing up at something like 80% off the already clearanced price. In other words - I got two pair of Stuart Weitzman shoes for $65 that regularly would have set me back $600 (yes for two pair of shoes..sigh.) Even on sale, they would have still been about $300. One pair is a low wedge slingback with the most incredible big buckle on the toe that I have lusted after all summer but did not have the funds to purchase until yesterday when they were only $40 (even the sale price was still $178!) They are amazing and I'm wearing them today. Nothing like a great pair of shoes to lift a girl's mood. BUT - I also got the most fabulous pair of sandals that honestly, I would have never purchased originally, but at the price I was able to score them at, I figured, why not? They are a pewter leather criss-cross sandal with a chunky heel and they look great on but even better? They are super comfy, which is not something I find with heels as often as I'd like. The photo at the top is this sandal in black - the pewter is much prettier and more unique. I'm going to NYC at the end of this month and what a great pair of sandals to wear with my little black Calvin Klein dress in the evening.

I had to share my good fortune. I only wish there had been a computer glitch on handbags as well!

The New Circus

Against my better judgement, I think I'm addicted. "More to Love” is now airing and damn if I didn’t watch it last week and immediately get hooked. The man is adorable, the women are beautiful, and the emotions seem to be real. I can totally relate to and understand what’s being put out there by those women, who are there because they are large because that is the angle of this show.

Yet, I can’t quite commit to the entire concept.

On a side note: I also loved the drama of host Emme suddenly and dramatically walking into the room during the “ring” ceremony to announce that there was only one ring left, and then promptly leaving the room. Totally campy and over the top, which is probably why I loved it. I am a girl who loves her camp moments.

Here’s the thing. The women that were not chosen to stay in the house to vie for the guy’s affections (i.e., ‘will you wear this promise ring?” which is really pretty weird, but whatever) were understandably hurt that they were not chosen. Rejection sucks every time. One woman (I imagine more?) had never been on a date and she was stunningly gorgeous with long dark hair and beautiful eyes. Many of them stated that this was their one chance at love and that they had big hearts that they wanted to share with someone special and that they were worried they would be alone forever. And while I believe with all my heart that one chance is NOT all we get at love and CERTAINLY NOT the chance you may get when you are on a reality TV show, it also reminded me that so many of our histories are filled with stories of heartbreak and of men who we have liked or loved who did not choose us. The hard part is that no matter the situation, when you are a large woman and a man you are interested in is not interested in you, size is the easiest scapegoat to pull out. My friends tell me that my size is not what keeps me from getting involved in a serious relationship, but when that has been held up as your “man mirror” for so many years, is it any wonder that we go there so quickly? I imagine many of us have felt the pain of being with someone who is critical of our size or worse, can’t love us because of his (or her) own hangups. We have been in bars or out with our smaller girlfriends who get all sorts of male attention while we sit silently and ignored. I can’t speak for everyone but I know the pain of falling in love with someone who ultimately won’t or can’t go there because he isn't attracted to me physically. And while I know that this has probably also happened to women like Cindy Crawford and Megan Fox, they have a leg up that quite honestly I’ve never felt like I’ve had when it comes to men.

That said, I love men in all forms and in all relationships. My dearest most intimate friends are men; I love being with them and seek out their company. But, how many men have I been “like a sister” to when I’ve felt more than that? How many men love me, but aren’t in love with me? How many men have shared their hopes and dreams and deepest darkest and also happiest, worlds with me, but still drool over every other woman that walks by, constantly reinforcing the fact that I am a great emotional fit, but not physical? I would be lying if I said that didn’t hurt sometimes.

I know that everyone has hangups and heartbreak and that it’s not dependent on size alone. I know that men feel and hurt and do the best they can. The heart and body wants what it wants for a variety of reasons. On my best days I know I’m gorgeous and unique and worthy just as I am and any man worth my time, attention and love is going to love me completely; mind, body and soul. On my worst days, and they are out there, I am quite sure that I will fall in love with yet another man who will not want to be with me because he is not attracted to me based on my size, or that I will be once again obsessed with losing weight in an effort to “get him to love me.” I hate that I even go there but I must be honest and admit that indeed, I do.

I will continue to watch “More to Love” with great curiosity. I haven’t decided yet whether I feel like it’s being put out there as a curiosity or as just a legitimate angle in the reality-date-television genre, but I see there is also a show coming out about a family of four people who each weigh over 300 pounds. It makes me wonder if reality TV is basically becoming the updated version of the circus freak show? No need to step right up, now you can just click the remote and watch the fat lady get her heart broken and and the little person build an addition on their house. Gasp.


My fear is the viewpoint similar to the one I read in a commentary by Joshua Alston through Newsweek:

“There will probably never come a time when obesity is portrayed with the same compassion as, say, lupus, or any other disease that can fall a person through no fault of his own. So maybe it’s unrealistic to dream of overweight characters routinely included in scripted television shows and occasionally seen pulling a bag of Wheat Thins out of the vending machine.”

Seriously, did he just compare being fat to Lupus? And seriously, do we still not see that large people are everywhere in this world and how come that does not translate to television? Where are we? Not just the funny best friend but the romantic partner. The lawyer (where is Camryn Manheim when we need her?), the doctor, the bus driver. We are everywhere and why is it newsworthy that we only want what everyone else does? Life, love, happiness and some fabulous shoes!

In closing he stated:

“At the very least, the networks should make sure chunky people are producing these shows, because that’s certainly not the impression I get from watching them. As someone best described as “cute in the face, thick in the waist,” I would feel more comfortable knowing my Fat People TV is being made for couch potatoes, by couch potatoes. “

Much like I feel about the people who choose and buy clothes for stores, we do need to be out there representing ourselves, but really, Fat People TV? Couch potatoes? Way to then perpetuate a nasty stereotype. When can we really remove the size labels and simply all be people together?