Random Thoughts on my 46th Birthday

A cashier I had at Target recently was talking about his mother and how she didn’t understand him. He said “It’s just so hard sometimes in your 20’s.” and then looked at me and said “I imagine it’s the same in your 50’s.” I replied I wouldn’t know as I was only in my 40’s! I think when you’re young, older people just blend into one age and that tends to just be “over 50.” I don’t think I look like I am older than I am. If anything, I am growing into my age. I’ve always looked older. I have been mistaken for GGF’s mother on more than one occasion and he’s older than I am! When you are large, I think it compounds it because you can run the risk of appearing “matronly” something I fight against daily.

My grandmother on my dad’s side of the family died at an age that was younger that my mother is right now and yet, she always looked much older than my mother has ever looked. It was a different time (she passed away in the mid-70's) and she totally looked like the stereotypical grandmother; welcoming bosomy, gray hair, always in a dress with a brooch and always wearing an apron. Alice Maruska was known for her baking more than anything but I also have a very clear memory of her loud laughter. I have inherited that from her (and all of the Maruska women – my lovely aunts). I hope to be an old woman who laughs a lot!

One of my friends is a 31 year old man and as of yesterday he is 15 years younger than me. He made the comment recently to the effect of “I don’t hang around with many 45 year olds!” and I asked if that bothered him to hang around with an “older woman.” He said no, it did not. But I am more aware of my age than I used to be. And not in a bad way. Age is what it is and I have no control over when I was brought into this world. It’s a number. Blah blah blah. I’m pre-menopausal (but have not yet had a hot flash) and have been recently been told by my doctor that it would be a minor miracle if I were to conceive a baby due to a particular hormone level in my body. It’s all very curious to me I guess.

I am going to NYC in two weeks (cannot wait) and am anxious to see the fashion on the streets. I was just in the NY Times on-line and there is a shirt waist dress trend this summer in NYC and now I’m obsessed with having a shirtwaist dress. I remember the beautiful blue pima cotton shirtwaist by Herve Bernard that I had in my mid-20’s. I worked at Dayton’s (in the Club House department. Not quite the Oval Room, but close enough!) and I wore it until it was threadbare. Proof that the classics always circle around again. And reminder that I am now old enough to get to experience this in person.

I’m aware that the 80’s are as present in my mind as the 50’s were to my parents in the 70’s.

The older I get, the more important appearance has become to me. I’ve always been into clothes and “my look” but at the age of 46, I feel it acutely as I am aware of dressing appropriately for my age, yet in a way that is trend forward and fresh. Do I always accomplish this? No, but I try. I have a very dear friend and she’s funny and charming and generous and talented, but she dresses a bit matronly. She is ten years older than I am and she’s a beautiful woman; I just wish she would grab for some more gusto in her wardrobe so that what she projected in her wardrobe reflected who she truly is. We were shopping for her recently and I commented that the shoes she kept picking out were grandma shoes. We had a good laugh, and then she bought two pair she probably would not have purchased unless I had been along. She was stuck where so many of us get stuck – in the same old, comfortable place. She got out of her comfort zone a bit and ended up with some great sandals that she has been living in this summer and that give her a bit if zip that her other shoes don’t. We should all break out of our comfort zones. That said, I pledge to stop purchasing black trousers as I already have a closet full of them!

I remember when my mom was 46 and I thought she was sooooo very old. Now that I’m here, it’s not what I would have imagined. I feel like I did when I was 25 – only better I think. Is life perfect? Absolutely not. But it’s life and that’s good enough sometimes.